P3D A Letter from Mr. Smith

["Dr. George A. Themelis" <DrT-3d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

As I was looking through my mail this afternoon, I noticed a letter 
from a "J.I. Smith".  I like to play this game, guessing the contents 
of a letter before I open it.

J.I. Smith... Hmmm... where have I heard this name before?

Oh, OK.  It is the "opinionated inventor" from Washington DC who
called the other night.  Remember?  The guy who does not call the 
Realist a camera but a product?  Who thinks that he himself has no 
place in the Potomac Geriatric Society... Yes, that's the one!

He was supposed to send me a draft of his book on stereo.  I don't
know what the book is about but I am willing to read anything stereo 
related.

But this letter was too thin.  One page I guessed.  I wonder what this
could be.  I opened the letter and found one page, photocopy of an
article called "A Fable For Christmas" from the ISU Bulletin, vol. 26,
no 114 (Oct. 91).  No comments from Mr. Smith, other than the
reference written at the top.

This article is a parody on the Stereo Realist camera and its 
inventor written by a Richard Howard.  Experts:

"Once upon a time, in a land far away where the Big Yellow God reigns
supreme, there lived an inventor.  Many of his inventions never saw
the light of day.  His rubber screwdriver was a flop, as was his
cork submarine.  Undaunted, he persevered with his obsession for
fame.... He thought, I'll invent a stereo camera."

He then goes on to describe how he designed the camera and decided
on the name "Realistic", suggested by his mother.  He proceeds to
discredit all features of the "Realistic" (with good humor always).
Example:

"Loading. (You won't believe this.) Loading the camera is simple,
provided, again, you are equipped with three hands with piano-
player fingers.  One hand aligns the white spot painted on the
sprocket, with a notch, whilst feeding the film tongue into the
take-up spool with the other hand;  at the same time (I said you
wouldn't believe it) the third hand is used to persuade the film
to travel under a film guide."

"Lenses.  These are of glass construction with a maximum aperture
of f/3.5.  At this aperture they display all the optical qualities
of the bottom of a Co-op milk bottle."

To be continued...

George Themelis